no hoarding my hoarding story

i'm a recovering hoarder. my first memory of hoarding is eating a little package of cheese and crackers and thinking - "this little plastic cheese-spreader-thing is kinda cool. i might need this for Barbies." i tossed it in my top dresser drawer, my first "junk drawer." i was 6 years old.

hoarders always have a "really good reason" for why they are hoarding whatever it is. at 6, my reason was "i might need this for Barbies." after all, Barbie was always finding herself in unique scenarios and experiences and if a little girl doesn't own every Barbie thing, then she has to improvise. when i was 8 or 10, i remember my step mom was fixing my hair in front of the dresser mirror. i opened my top drawer to get a brush amidst the dozens of cheese and cracker spreaders. laughing, she picked one up and asked, "what are all these?" i said, "i collect cheese and cracker spreaders." 

"why?

"i don't know. i just think they're cool."

she did not do or say anything to make me feel bad. but some how i felt a little embarrassed. no one knew i had that "collection" until that day. it was like a secret. i would grow up to understand this feeling as shame. 

hoarders chalk their hoarding up to "collections." proclaiming one's self a collector is an excellent way to stay in denial, mask the truth and continue the behavior. this gets worse when one makes declarations to the world about their identity through their collection. (this doesn't make "collectors" hoarders, of course. but it does help hoarders hide behind "collecting.")

 

i joined a sorority in college. our sorority mascot was the squirrel. i wore a few squirrel shirts, had a stuffed squirrel or 2. 4 years later, i had close to 50 squirrels in one form or another. i purchased very few of them. most were gifts; people think they are really loving on a hoarder when they add to their collection. "hey, we see that much of your identity is wrapped up in this particular thing and we see this thing seems to make you happy. we want to make you happy, so we're going to perpetuate that for you. here's another squirrel." the "really good reason" for keeping the squirrels goes like this - "well, i'm an alpha gam. and alpha gams are squirrels. so this proves i'm me, right?)" lovingly, davidrussell chimes in - gee, honey... it all makes sense. i mean, what do squirrels do? i try to remember all the special things that the founders of AGD said that squirrels do...i know there's something about being energetic. i guess they energetically hoard.

i didn't know i was a hoarder. i thought everyone was like me, but some were more organized. marrying davidrussell helped, but it took a while. the first 1/2 of our marriage, he just enabled me. he's very organized and a neat freak so he just found more clever ways to deal with my stuff. 3 years into our first house, just the 2 of us living in a 3 bedroom, with a full unfinished basement and we were renting a storage unit for $60 a month. (hoarding actually costs money.) i had boxes that hadn't been opened since our family moved when i was 13. now i was paying to have them stored and i didn't even know what was in them. 

i certainly don't condone 85 year-olds living with 45 cats and 18 dogs in a house of trash... but i understand how they get there. for me, the hoarding was all fear-based. i was afraid to throw stuff away. "what if i need it? what if we don't have any money and we can't afford to buy another? what if this special person finds out i tossed the gift they gave me 5 years ago?" fear should never be the root of any decision - ever.

anyway, today, ain't no fear in this girl and ain't no junk in this girl's house. how i got there is another story. word up.