raising kids

i recently had an email exchange with a sweetie pie friend o'mine about parenting. it seemed like it might be worth sharing, anonymously, of course. she's a great mom. we'll call her Penelope.

Some Background: Penelope and I have been discussing our six-year-olds, who tend to blurt out negative things about themselves. very generally speaking - at times, they begin to perceive their relationships are falling apart or look at life through a negative lens, in general. when i was a kid, i was like this, too. i was always told i was "too dramatic," but i know there was emotional pain and confusion tied to my statements so as an adult, i've sought to learn more about that. anyway, here it is...

Penelope: "As usual, I am at a loss for what to say to Sally these days. Don't know if it's the age, her sex, the combo of both or what but I often find that I have no idea how to respond to the things she says. I've tried the 'that's not true approach' you mentioned before (ie. speaking to the Enemy that makes her say untrue things.) I like this accept that I think she gets little from it and I find myself saying it like a broken record. ("That's not true, Sally. Sally, that's not true. Don't say that, it's not true.") Even I am getting tired of me.

Give me examples of the things she is saying, you demand. Well... I'll get back to you on that one. I can never think of an example of her behavior/statements just as I can never think of a response to them. She's so smart, clever, creative, emotional, hormonal, crazy and sweet. I want her to stay all those things and know how much I love her and all the good things I want for her. Raising kids is so hard!!!!"

Me: "aaaw, Penelope. i love it when you talk about your feelings and get all vulnerable with me. it's my favorite part of you:) if i were there, i would squeeze you and tell you how sweet you are:)

i admire you as a mom and as a grown-up. as for this sally thing - yes, i want examples. and i'll go ahead and offer some thoughts:

• the fact that she is open with you is great b/c you can know the things she's hearing inside her head and what she's telling herself. you mentioned that you say "that's not true" so that tells me you're hearing her say some negative things about herself or her relationships. that's good. that's 50%. anytime we hear a lie from the enemy and we declare it "not true" is good. we're fighting. another way to battle the enemy, and in this case the other 50%, is telling her what is true. ok, what does that look like? well, it's your job and dad's job to know the truth about sally, i.e. how God created her. this is the part that takes some intentionality.

• God teaches us about parenting through his relationship with us. He tells us who we are and how he feels about us. (i also attached a reference with more verses about this.) now whether or not we (grown-ups) are choosing to receive His love and truth is another story and another email. but children don't have that distrusting baggage toward their parents yet. and while they are God's children, he has called us to "Train them up..." it's our job to shepherd them, teach them, etc. and God is our model. so the more we understand God as our father (our parent), the more we can understand how to engage with our kids. apart of this includes unlearning some misconceptions of who our Heavenly Father is. often we apply our perception of our earthly father to the character of God. that's great if your dad was Atticus Finch or Bill Cosby. but many of us have had fathers who are flawed or even absent. the stuff you and i are discussing right now, i can assure you our dads never discussed. for example, for most of my life i believed that i should pray but God wasn't really going to do much about it b/c his will was bigger than me and his hands were tied. this stemmed from having an earthly father that didn't fight for me. my dad always approached things like "yeah, we're in this together. boy, we are in a pickle. what are we gonna do now?" so the concept of having a Father that fights for me and will smash anyone that messes with me was foreign. but now i know God will crush anyone that messes with me. (you probably want verses for that...i'll have to search a bit.) ok, so to bring this point home - i'm saying, study and seek to understand how God parents us and seek to shepherd your children in the same way. 

• now back to truth-telling. the Holy Spirit is also called the Spirit of Truth. He's there... hanging out with you in your kitchen, chillin'. He's waiting for you to say "what do you think of all this?" and He'll tell you. heck, he's also called Counselor. God tells us the truth - about everything including who we are. he does this through a number of ways: scripture, the Holy Spirit speaking to us and the Body of Christ. how does God speak to us through the Body? well, the Body is the Church. that's you and me. we both believe Jesus Christ is our savior and so we are the Body. so when a believer tells me something about myself that resonates with my spirit, i know the Lord just spoke to me about who i am and i choose to receive it. i write it down in my notebook under "Truth about Kelly - Who God says I am." here's an example - i had some bratty behavior and anger issues in high school. after an episode, i would feel so guilty and tell myself "you're such a bitch." a couple of times i said it aloud to some friends and they would say "yeah, you were acting like a bitch." somewhere along the line, i just started believing that's who i was and took on that persona. when i didn't know what to do or how to act in a situation, i'd just act like a bitch. in college, people called me a bitch all the time and that was my reputation. "don't mess with her, she is such a bitch." inside i felt guilty and ashamed. i wanted to be sweet and loving but i didn't know how. and i would think "that's not you anyway. you're not sweet. you're a bitch. those are the cards you were dealt." 2 years ago, i was with a group of friends and explaining that i'm still trying to learn how to appropriately interact with people, etc. my friend, krissy, (i wore her shoes in the wedding) said to me "kelly, what are you talking about? you have this lie that you are bitch and you are not." well, i was speechless. i just sat there, stunned. i started to push back, "well, i have problems with my tone and sometimes i speak harshly and..." she said it again, "kelly, you are not a bitch." i started to cry. it was obvious to everyone in the room that God's truth was being spoken to me and krissy was simply the vessel. i stopped arguing and received the truth about myself. i could feel a piece of me healing inside. so then another friend in the room prayed "God tell us who Kelly is." and everyone started telling me what they were hearing. one person said, "i just keep hearing the stevie wonder song "sunshine of my life." God says this is his song about you - you are the sunshine of his life. i received that, too -- wrote it in my cute little girlie journal.

• now bringing this back to parenting - you and your husband, "Bob," are certainly a part of the Body and a very important part when it comes to sally. a big way she is going to receive the truth about who she is in Christ is through you two. there's no pressure here, it's just applying the stuff i've said above. so when you hear her say something that isn't true, understand that even if she can't articulate it, she is wondering "well, then what is true?" don't wait for her to ask you, just start telling her. and if you don't know, then you better start asking God. it's ok to not know, but it's not ok to stay in that place of not knowing. often right there on the spot, i'll just tell mac, "i'm going to pray for you." heck, half the time i don't even know what to pray but if i'm just quiet for a second, God will bring something to mind. i often think it doesn't matter what i've said, the act alone is what mac needed and he goes away happy. i think to myself, "well, i don't know what you just did God, but thanks." and it doesn't matter if there's something on the stove or a baby is crying. if another kid comes in you can say "i'm going to pray for sally. you can pray with me or be quiet." 

• how do i know who my kid is? this is the part where you turn to prayer, the Bible, ask God "who is this child?" He will tell you. and then you tell her. yes, you're going to have to make time for some quiet moments to pray for your kids. even if it's only 10 minutes per kid, sit down with a notebook. (get a cute new journal if that motivates you.) turn to a blank page and write at the top: God, please teach me about sally. Who is she? and then write down what you hear. if you hear bad stuff like "she's a brat" that's not God. probably, God will bring to mind moments you've witnessed where you've been very proud of her or loved her deeply or marveled at something she did. when moments like that happen, be aware - in tune b/c God is showing you "this is who sally is." also, He will bring words to mind or maybe pictures. heck, he might even give you an actual verse. if a verse pops into your head, write it down and look it up. ask bob to do it with you - you each agree to spend 10 minutes of quiet time on each kid separately and write down what you hear. then come together at the end of the day and share with the other what you heard and wrote down. don't be shocked if God tells you some of the same things. oh, and watch your kid's face light up when you say "Billy, I was asking God about you and he told me that you are a warrior. He says you have courage and you are like a lion." imagine how that would have felt if our parents did that for us? 

• so what if my kid does act like a brat all the time? did God knit together in my womb a brat? no. this is also a part of that "train up a child" thing. as flawed humans, we're drawn to act out on our fleshly desires. kids are literally doing what comes naturally (rather than spiritually.) we can seek to discover what is the root of the behavior rather than declare the child is the behavior. with my kids, mac is very loving, has a heart for justice and is discerning. he can't fathom why a kid would break a rule. to the point that it upsets him and offends him. if someone calls him a name, he plummets. he can't shake it off, can't understand why someone would be intentionally mean. his understanding of God's justice is something he was born with and we celebrate it. however, it can cause him to be judgemental and a big tattletail. he wants people to pay! who can we blame?! his debrief of a school day is simply telling me all the kids that got their name on the board. so rather than say mac is a judgemental, tattle tail, big mouth, we try to teach him that those behaviors are inappropriate and teach him about grace and forgiveness. bode, on the other hand, is drawn to satisfy his flesh. he wants to eat all the candy, play with his personal all day, more cookies, more TV, more more more! while mac can't stand to break the rules, bode will do whatever he has to do to get what he wants. he'll take the cookies in the bathroom very quietly and lock the door. very sneaky, very quiet. people like to joke "bode is the kid you'll have to bail out of jail," etc. we say, "nope. not true. bode is obedient and has self-control." we say it as a declaration of faith b/c we know God didn't create him to be a cookie thief. he just needs to be trained in self-control and obedience. we know he has a desire to make the right choice b/c whenever he breaks a rule, he does it in secret, i.e. shame. why is he hiding? he's ashamed, but he can't help it - he's gotta have the candy! all of it! it tastes so good! we talk to him about self-control, read verses about it with him and teach him how to ask God to give him self-control. all very calmly and lovingly. and, yes, there's much discipline in there, too. lately, i've begun to see some fruit of this! sometimes he'll come up to me out of nowhere and say "mommy! i didn't eat the cookies!" i know what he's telling me is "while you were upstairs, i was in the kitchen thinking about taking out the cookies and i didn't." so, of course, i celebrate that and say "good job! that's b/c you're obedient and you have self-control! that's who you are." anytime we are tempted and we say "no," we should celebrate the victory!

• i know this is a lot, but i'm just sharing what we've learned over the years. none of this came through one particular book or person, but rather a lot of various teachings, resources and conversations. here's the thing most people don't like to hear. and also, this has been THEE BIGGEST lesson davidrussell and i have learned. here it is: when i see a behavior or a pattern in one of my children that is off, the first place i need to look is in the mirror. 75% of the healing that has happened in my spirit has been since i became a mother. there were broken places in me that i just couldn't run from or hide from any longer once i had kids. b/c the bottomline was the patterns i was seeing were patterns i knew all too well. heck, God even told us in Timothy that this would happen: "But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety." I Timothy 2:15"

well, readers, that's it so far. a big way that i learn is to talk stuff over with friends. heck, my kids are nuts. who's aren't? so i've shared some stuff i've learned. what have you learned? what are you wishing you could learn? please chime in with questions, comments, or if you'd just like to agree with Penelope that "raising kids is hard!!!" (but you have to admit... it's kind of fun.)